Essay of the Month
“Troubled Relationships”
I was looking for an anniversary card for my husband, always difficult because most of the cards are so sappy and I’m not. Add to this that we were married on Valentine’s Day, so there are infinitely more choices, infinitely more mawkish. While searching, I came across a category that may not be new, but I hadn’t noticed it before: “Troubled Relationships.”
I browsed through the cards under this heading and found them far from sappy. In fact, they were notable for their plain speaking and paucity of poetry. “We are both getting on each other’s nerves” is hardly the stuff of romance, nor are the proposed, down-to-earth remedies for repair of the relationship.
That such sentiments have found their way onto “greetings cards” may indicate the difficulty that couples have in talking to each other, face to face, about their problems. We’d rather look for a card to express our feelings when we can’t find the right words. These cards, too, make clear how common troubled relationships are. We all know the statistics: in our society, close to half of all marriages end in divorce and living together before marriage doesn’t seem to prepare a couple for the reality of wedlock. Nothing new here, except that card manufacturers have cottoned on to another profitable market! A card is much less expensive, and perhaps less psychologically painful than a course of visits to a marriage counselor. Some couples are reticent to seek therapy, anyway, uncomfortable about exposing their “weaknesses” to a third party, each partner fearing blame for the failure of the romance.
Ah, romance! There’s the rub. Our expectations of marriage or of a committed partnership are completely unrealistic. In some ways, people like me must take some responsibility for this. I was blessed with a truly good marriage that lasted for forty years, ending when my husband died. I was just eighteen when we met; he was a year older – and now we might say that was a recipe for disaster. It was not. We grew up together, became educated together, emigrated to America together, reared three good children together, danced together, made music together, and laughed a lot. As a widow, I put aside any idea of re-marriage, believing the current mantra that there are no worthy men out there. I was wrong. So surprised was I at this discovery, I felt I should spread the good word, let other mature women, who might be as misinformed as I was, know the good news. I researched all possible ways to find suitable men, met dozens of (mostly) nice fellows, ending the research when the book was written – and I had met the man to whom I am now married! Happy ever after, yes?
Well, that’s all well and good for me, but I fear that I may have encouraged countless other women to believe that one needs to be married to be happy. – and I know that isn’t true. In fact, marrying a second time, or marrying later in life, as is the trend, may make for all kinds of unanticipated difficulties.
For a start, and especially if each partner has lived alone for years, each has his or her “routines,” those habits that give meaning and shape to the days. These routines may not mesh, and can cause arguments far more fiery than the circumstances deserve. (“You’ve covered the table with the newspaper and I must settle all these accounts NOW....”) .Grown up people should be able to resolve these kinds of differences but it may take time and a whole lot of discussion.
Further, one or the other may have young children whose day- to- day lives must take priority in the marriage. This requires real conversations about the costs - financial, physical, and emotional, of rearing another person’s offspring to adulthood.
In other cases, both may have grown children, who may, for a variety of reasons, be less than thrilled with their parents’ choices. Such children, I learned through my interviews with both men and women, can destroy a budding relationship. “Jack’s” daughter was so unpleasant to “Mary,” Jack’s new woman friend, constantly putting her down, that Mary finally decided not to pursue the relationship – just as the daughter intended! Some children may fear losing the close devotion of a parent now caught up in a new love. Others may be worried about their inheritance if a parent remarries.
Money appears to cause more problems than several other issues combined. Some people are stunned to discover that the new spouse is up to his or her hips in debt, owing thousands on credit cards and college loans. Sensible people would have talked about money well before the wedding day, worked out how finances would be shared, who would pay for what, but “love” seems to have blinded them to the practicalities.
My husband and I consider ourselves fortunate that his grown son and my three grown children welcomed our marriage and have treated each “step” parent with affection and respect. We entered our marriage with prenuptial agreements and have been careful to keep our finances separate, setting up a joint account into which we each pay a given sum each month to cover the overhead for our home. This is simple and transparent. Each covers personal expenses from our separate accounts. This system works for us but another method may work just as well for others.
Romantic? Not particularly. It’s only when we accept that marriage is a business arrangement as much as it is a romance and that the wildness and passion of the early days will cool. It must cool, or the world’s work wouldn’t get done! Marriage at its best is a companionship of like-minded people who intend the best for each other. And that was the message of the card I finally found for my husband.
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